Let me say it once and for all and finally be done with it: I hate superhero movies. Especially Marvel movies. Yes, even The Avengers. No, I did not see Age of Ultron. No, I have not seen all of them. Since I’ve formed this opinion I have had to endlessly explain to a seemingly infinite number of people why, and it’s always the same explanation. This is meant to be an official recounting of my reasons, so that I may hopefully never have to explain myself ever again.

To be clear, however, let me just make one statement: I don’t care if you like these movies or not. I’m not saying that you can’t like them. If you absolutely love these films and they’re your favorite thing- great. I’m happy for you. Just because I’m going to go into obnoxious detail why I don’t, doesn’t mean that I’m saying you shouldn’t like them. This is simply a list of reasons why I, personally, do not enjoy Superhero movies. With that out of the way, then, let’s get started.

1: Nothing that ever happens in the movie matters. The most common characteristic in all these movies is that they don’t matter. 95% of the movie is pointless. Here’s how these movies tend to work: Character is introduced. Big spooky bad guy is introduced. Big spooky bad guy does something bad, with the intent to do more bad later. Superhero is called to action. Superhero spends the next hour and a half of screen time fighting henchmen, figuring out the bad guy’s plan, and saving unimportant side characters. Superhero somehow loses a fight. Things look terrible. Superhero somehow gains strength back. Superhero fights big spooky bad guy in an epic battle as bad guy is about to destroy the world or something. Superhero, despite being weaker from losing the earlier fight, wins fight. The world is saved. Everyone is happy. End Credits. You leave the theater feeling good about yourself. What bugs me here is that almost all of this stuff doesn’t matter at all. The entire movie is a tiny bit of introduction, and then set up for the final fight. All that matters is the introduction and the final fight. The entire movie is filler content attempting to create suspense. The climax of every one of these films is about five minutes before the end of the movie. After two hours of set up, I eventually stop caring.

2: The Hero is never in any danger. Tell me, did you ever think once during the entire time you were watching The Avengers, “Gosh, Iron Man is in a real bind here. Will he ever make it out of this precarious situation?” Probably not. These movies try so hard to make it seem like the heroes we care about are in peril, but it never matters. Iron Man gets captured by the Mandarin- he escapes without any harm. Captain America is captured by corrupt SHIELD soldiers- he escapes. Nick Fury is literally shot in his own home- It was actually a ruse; he’s totally fine. Every single Marvel movie always tries to pull tricks like this, and after years of doing so, it’s begun to just be silly. We know the hero will win in the end. Even in Dark Knight Rises, when Batman’s spine is completely snapped, it heals just fine without issue and he’s able to save the day. It’s ridiculous. The Dark Knight Trilogy is one of the few examples of these movies I actually like, but I still was annoyed.

3: The bad guys should win. Always. Without a doubt, the bad guys are almost always way more powerful than the heroes themselves. Captain America is a soldier pumped full of drugs, the Winter Soldier is the exact same but programmed with nothing in his head but to kill people, and a robot arm. I absolutely love Guardians of the Galaxy (again, one of the few that I actually like) but there is no way that Ronin would have lost. The dude had an infinity stone that could literally kill entire planets. And he lost. Loki is a god with an entire alien army and he’s beat by a bunch of people who, for the most part, are regular humans with cool talents. It bothers me endlessly that the only reason Evil is always defeated is because the villains are incompetent. They are hyped up to be incredibly powerful, but not once do they ever use their full power or use it correctly. The one exception I can think of is the Joker in the Dark Knight, who is a regular guy. He’s simply insanely clever, thinks of everything, and has a plan for anything. And the struggle between him and Batman seems much weightier because they are exactly alike. Really, the Dark Knight movies are actually amazing, and if more superhero movies followed their lead, I would have a different stance.

4: The Marvel Cinematic Universe is dumb. It actively makes no sense unless it’s an Avengers movie. They worked so hard to create this universe that feels alive and connected, but they completely neglect the fact that it is completely contradictory. They establish this group of super people who all work together… except for when it’s an individual hero’s movie. Then the Avengers are all doing something more important, not working together to deal with the guy who’s going to take over the entire country, or blow up the world, or kill the moon or something equally ridiculous. And because of this, in every movie the bad guy almost wins. But don’t worry, he never does, because if he did then the heroes would have to actually face the consequences of their actions. Which they never do. Ever.

I could go on like this for much longer, trust me, but I’m already rambling enough. This is my list of reasons as to why I don’t like most superhero movies. My exceptions to this are Guardians of the Galaxy and the Dark Knight Trilogy, both of which I absolutely love. Anyway, that’s that. Feel free to discuss with me how wrong I am about these opinions anytime, I would love to listen.